Please (never) Go

 we weren't a we so it seems quasi- contradictory to wait for you to leave my head. yet here i am again in a known and familiar place. a place i come to too often and one i always try to avoid. but the world has an alternate path and it seems to like tossing me back into this place. this place where i still lead my life without tripping over the thought of you. i'm not consumed by you, like i have been others although i would rather not admit it. i do not think of you and your antics or your plans for the day. i do not care if you were with your friends tonight or stayed home to chill. although i do not care, and i do not think of you consistently you are still in my head. you still take up time in my day periodically and usually when i least expect it. the mention of your favourite sport or when i hear the beginning bars of track 16 all makes me think of you and because of these things i'm still waiting. waiting for you to leave my head but the worst part is, i hope you never do.

You Made Me Want You

i don't know what we were. i don't know if you ever actually wanted to talk to me or if you were just maintaining a good relationship for when you returned. i don't know why you wanted me. we seemed like total opposites. we are total opposites. yet you still talked to me, and i still craved talking to you. back and forth. a late message here, a story there... nothing seemed to change. we both knew what we were waiting for. we talked about when you'd be home. when we could see each other again. i guess my actions that followed really jeopardized how you thought of me and our future. it's weird to say our future. it makes it seem like we were something more. something deep. we weren't. we were shallow, but now we're nothing. i understand your reasoning but you're taking no time to understand mine. maybe i don't mean that much to you. maybe the effort it would take for you to tell me really what's bothering you is not worth seeing me again. i wish it was. once i wished you'd be passionate about something. anything. i wanted you to show excitement or love or feeling. i guess i should have been more careful wishing because now you're showing a feeling i never wanted to see.

When the Sky Falls

beautiful, right?

It's Not Your Fault

It's not that you did anything wrong, because you didn't. You didn't lead me on, you didn't act one way and talk another. You did nothing wrong but, I'm still going to blame you. It's easier to blame you than to look inwards and possibly blame myself. So, I'm sorry that I'm going to blame you, because it's not your burden to bear. But you have to anyways, because I can't. I can't bear the thought of me fucking up again. I can't stand the thought of falling for another guy that I'm a great friend to and support unconditionally only to have them tell me how they've been with someone else. I'm the friend you tell everything to, and I'm okay with it. Honestly, I am. I'd rather be your friend than nothing at all. That's what I told the ones before you too. At least this is familiar. If you would have shown any mutual interest I would have been in uncharted waters. But in this scenario, the scenario that I'm so accustomed to, I know what to do. I know how to look inside myself and move on. I know how to throw myself into my school work and stop going out as much, because I knew I was going out so much to see you. I know how this will last a month at most and then I'll feel better. But until that point, I'll be haunted by the thoughts and images in my own mind; the ones I can't run from.

Say You're Sorry

You were telling me everything I ever wanted to hear. You said I was your favourite and that I always made you happy. I was there, listening- like usual. You were talking, having drank too much for anyone else to put up with you- but me. You knew I'd answer the phone. You knew I'd let you stay. You knew I'd drive you home in the morning. You knew I'd resort to my old ways of bending over backwards to do anything for you. Anything and everything.

I hate it. I hate how I act when I'm around you. I hate your charm and your wit. I hate how well we get along. I hate how other people see it and how you're the only one that doesn't. I hate how I want to hear everything you're telling me, but I want you to mean it in the morning as much as you mean it at 3am.

So you apologized, but it doesn't matter. I stopped listening to you a long time ago.

A Spotless Mind

You no longer need to know my class schedule. It doesn't matter what time I'm done class on Tuesdays so we can grab lunch. Now, you get your lunch and I get my lunch.  You don't need to know when I'm available. You no longer need to remember my birthday. It would be nice, but it's not necessary. You no longer need to know if I'm staying at school over the weekend or going home. You're not in either city anyways. I sometimes wish you asked and wanted to visit, but that's not what you want. You no longer need to know my favourite movie, band, artist or tv show. You no longer need to know if I'm caught up on Entourage- but I'm not, in case you're wondering. You no longer need to know my cousins' names, my favourite colour or my biggest pet peeve. You no longer need to know anything about me, but you can't forget.

Fuck Swag

Do something

Act out

Feel more

Be unapologetic

But I Changed My Mind

I wanted the feeling to go away. Honestly and truly I did. I didn't want to keep having this constant need or want to be with you. I didn't want to drop everything the minute you wanted me or needed me. I wanted to be free from your hypnotic words and the look in your eye that I could never deny. And now I got what I wished for. I don't crave for anyone to message me, let alone you. I don't need to see someone's face everyday for it to feel like a good day. But now I miss it. I miss the wanting. I miss the needing. I miss smiling when I get a message from you or bragging about you in a casual conversation, because I really do think you're amazing. But, I don't miss you. I miss the feeling.  I miss everything and I can't get it back.

Nothing Is Easy

this is so true.

but it's for the better.

This Isn't For You

it's a strange and unfamiliar feeling to not want anyone.

When it Happened

I don't know when it happened. I don't know when suddenly it started becoming we instead of me and you. I don't know when it started to smell like boy in my apartment and I don't know when we started telling people we lived together. I don't know when I met your mother and I don't know when I first cried in front of you. I don't know when I was first upset with you and I don't know when you started to trust me. I don't know the date when we first went down that alley into a restaurant that you claimed was "your secret spot." I don't care. I do know that shortly it will all end. This summer. That summer as I'm sure to refer to it in the future. I'll remember this time as that summer when I lied to my parents, made decisions on my own and sacrificed comfortable living to help someone else. I know that I'll always look back and remember the look on people's faces when they first found out we were living together and making it work. I'll remember the support and security I felt when I knew you were sleeping in the other room. I'll remember how we used to finish each other sentences, communicate at a party with just looks and how your unique speech pattern sunk into my vocabulary. I know that this summer I grew up. I learned that you can't expect people to act the way you want them to and that you can give all you can and sometimes it still won't be enough.

Get Out of My Head

i hate my mind. i hate how it processes information. i want to be realistic and take a situation for what it is. i don't want my mind to start looking into the past and cause me to make certain decisions due to the consequences of past ones. i don't want to look into the future or try and figure out how weekends would go with us living in different cities. i don't want to have my mind, i want to turn it off. i want to live and love and hurt and cry because of how i feel not because of how i perceive a situation. i hate not being in control and right now, i'm losing to myself.

The Roads We Take

I've realized life is a roadmap. It's about streets, corners, stop signs and stop lights. Life's about sitting at a stop light and deciding that you're going the wrong way and doing a u-turn while frantically trying to look out your window at anything remotely familiar. It's why I can drive to my old high school with my eyes shut and why I instantly lose my self-esteem when I become lost or am driving in an unfamiliar place. Your life starts out as a roadmap created probably by your parents, then we pull out the markers. We make stops in unexpected places that make our parents upset and others that make them happy. We start to erase destinations and make new ones. Maybe we even meet someone that causes us to throw out the entire roadmap. Sometimes this works out, sometimes, it doesn't. It's sad when the road ends sooner than it should with someone like this, but you have to keep going. You meet more people along your travels and you may even decicde to take a road that hurt you. It has potholes along one side and is half gravel down the other. The paint on this road is worn and can only faintly be seen on the sunniest of days. But these roads are good. They let you understand how nice it is when you're back with something comfortable and safe- a nice paved road with readable signs that communicate their message well. Yes, life is a roadmap, but sometimes I like getting lost.

What About What I Wanted?

If you told me to jump, I'd ask how high?

If you called me, no matter the time of day or night, I'd pick up.

If you asked me to come over, I'd speed to your house.

If you wanted to see me, but I had other plans, I'd cancel them.

If you were in the city, I'd make an excuse to be here too.

If you said you liked a shirt, I'd wear it constantly.

If you told me to grow my hair, I would never cut it again.

If you liked a song, I'd love it.

If you wanted to stay in, I did too.

If you wanted to go out, I did too.

But what if I had done what I wanted?

Steppin' Up

so listen to the crowd inside of your head

it's telling you to commit, to drive, to work

to work harder and better

because right now, you're slacking

you're better than this and you know it
you're better than the rolled js and the continuous bong hits.
you're better than the casual sex and late night visits,
you're better than the lackadaisical, sarcastic attitude.

remember what it was like to have that fire inside of you?

what it was like to know that you would accomplish your dreams

remember dreaming?
 

remember telling people that you would succeed and them believing in you? 

they still believe in you but do you believe in yourself?

do you honestly believe that you'll make it?

make it down the right path and make it through this?
to a good life with love and laughter and happiness. 

that's all that is actually needed.
but you don't think that way anymore.
you only think about the struggle and the lack of desire to push through it.

ignite your fire

run in the other direction
push back
stand up
fight

If I Had Met You A Year Ago

i've written this paragraph before. i remember writing it about the boy who broke me, before he broke me. this was when i thought only he could give me that look that made my legs shake and make me speechless. i remember writing it about the boy who changed me, before he changed me. i wrote it when i believed he would be the one i would think about at my wedding when i was saying 'i do' to someone else and thinking about his face laying next to me. i've written this before, but i wasn't right.

i didn't know i'd meet you. it's almost disappointing that i met you now. if it had met you a year ago, i probably would have told you everything by now. i wouldn't have stayed over that one night, and then i wouldn't have picked you up the next night. i would have messaged you and blushed and smiled when you messaged me back... assuming that you would have, but that's about it. nothing more than talk. if i had met you last year, i would have told you by now that this wasn't like anything else. i can remember my thoughts around you. i can keep my legs from shaking and my stomach from flipping. i can only do this though because for once im trusting someone to not let me fall. you don't see it yet. but one day you'll understand.

you see, i'm not great at trust or making myself vulnerable. i like control. i like only accounting for myself. but you're starting to change that. i'm starting to lean on you and to tell you things that usually i would never dream about articulating. i don't think you understand how hard that is for me. maybe one day you will. maybe one day you'll wake up and look over and everything will become clear, even with your eyesight. maybe  you'll see me differently than how you do currently. hopefully you do because my legs not shaking and being able to talk mean more to me than any look or feel any other guy has ever given me.

but because of the boy who broke me and the boy who changed me, i'm no longer interested in having to break my heart and move on after another let down. one day i'll be fine, and then maybe something will fall into place, but until then i just don't know what to do...

Needed and Wanted

a slow, sad song. the long, last note

held onto, gripping and dripping 

with everything left unsaid in the room.

our room.

a grave difference between what we started

and how it all ended ne, how it will end. 

because no matter right now, 

it will end.

i wish you knew what you needed

you know what you want,

you don't know what you need. 

if you did, i wouldn't be alone.

"But This Is What I Say..."

Run Deep, Run Wild

Don't Sleep, Act Vile

Push Fast, Walk Slow

Tell Me, Say No. 

Do Now, Think Later

Bad Bitch, Fuck Haters

Days. Nights. This Girl. 

You, Me, This World.

Shut Up

words are only words

can you show me something else?

The Irony of Distances

so you're half way across the world, or maybe fully across the world. i don't know the exact calculation on that one, but nevertheless, you're not here and i'm a mess. but isn't that poetic? really it is. i was right around the corner for you every time you needed me. now i need you so badly and you couldn't get to me even if you wanted to. i doubt you would though. you love a broken girl more than your tie collection, but i was never broken enough for you. i was always able to help myself and even when i couldn't, i would push away any help offered by you or anyone else. now here i am, needing help and wanting it and you're still on the other side of the world.

The Only One That Ever Knew

i miss you.

Give & Get

i'm not one for extended periods of cuddling. i don't want someone to message me every hour on the hour and expect me to answer within five minutes. dinners out and little cafes are nice, but don't come close to locally owned diners with five dollar meal deals that feed us both. i would love to be on a yacht, but a canoe is just as romantic in my eyes. i don't like flowers because they die. give me something that will last. give me your heart. i'll give you mine.

Feels Good

it feels good to be over you babes. 

it feels good to have a moment in my head without you interrupting. 

it's different; weird even.

i was a slave to you.

i was consumed by your every mannerism and feature. 

playing on repeat. 

a broken record. 

a tortured look. 

Just One Time

I just need it to work out one time. Just one time so I know that I won't be completely alone for the rest of my life. Yes, I understand that I will always have my amazing friends and my loving family. But I read these stories and see these pictures that actually do say a thousand words, all about love and being completed. I don't feel incomplete but I can only imagine how nice it would be for someone to always be on your side and always be there when you need them to be. That's such a nice idea, but sometimes I doubt I'll ever find out.

Come Closer, Stay Longer

it's not a matter of lust or even like anymore, it's a matter of want.

if i want something, i'm going to get it.

Another Time & Place

i'd let you finish but you never let us begin

Depopulated

the world has 6 775 235 741 people on its surface

yet i still cant find you

They Didn't Have Faces

It's not like I want to be in this position again. After he fucked me over time and time again my heart knew better. It was healing; yes in an unconventional way, but healing nonetheless. I was having fun. Yes, there were some consequences, but I've always said I'm going to live my life the way I want and that's what I was doing. So they didn't have faces. The boys I mean. No eyes that I would look into, no mouth that I would kiss. Kissing didn't happen and when it didn't it wasn't a nice kiss. It was hard and rough and although that's exactly what is needed sometimes, sometimes it's not. I was okay with missing that though. I was quickly learning about my emotions and how to put them to sleep. Even the boy that had been in my mind for four years, he didn't even make my heart skip, or my breath leave my body when he asked to come over one late night. He never made it. Probably for the best. So I was okay. I wasn't the person I was, I wasn't the person I was going to be, but I was enjoying living.

Then you got into my car. Then you made a joke. Then you said my name. Then I remembered to breathe. Then you talked to me at the bar. Then you said we'd hang out soon. Then you looked at me. Then you really looked at me. Then I got your phone number and messaged you and you messaged me back. Then I remembered to breathe again.

It had been awhile. I forgot about the rush. I forgot about the pounding in my head. The presence in my mind. The tornado of feelings circling throughout my body. I forgot that this is what it was like to maybe like someone again. Not like them like I did with him. That feeling will not happen again for a very long time. But this is a nice change. Unlike all the boys that didn't have faces, the first thing I noticed was yours.

'Til The Wind Changes

 i'm not who i was. i wasn't like this a month ago. a month ago, i wouldn't have been able to recognize the girl i see in the mirror today. it's not bad, no, but it's not who i've been. i never believed that people could change this much. i believed that perspectives changed, but people, for the most part, stayed the same. i was wrong. well maybe not wrong, but not fully correct. people change and it's only after personal experience, and noticing myself change that i've decided to agree with this idea. whether they be positive or negative, events change people... a death in the family, an acceptance letter, a missed appointment, or an unexpected visitor. sometimes you can pin-point the exact moment when everything changed. i remember what changed me,  i said yes, instead of no. in my head i said, "why not?" and then i shut my eyes. when i opened them, this was me.

But You Didn't Catch Me

i never really fell in love with you.

i just fell.

All is Fair

in vain have i struggled

it will not do

you must allow me to tell you

how ardently i admire

and love you

Coming Home

i don't know what it is exactly but there's a feeling when i get every time i go home. it's not just that safe, secure feeling. the feeling i get when i'm around family, that can happen anywhere. it's a feeling of being in this dumb little city that's filled with too many unemployed demotivated people and run down dollar stores and yet how i still love it. i love how every block in my neighbourhood has a story, an image, a deeper meaning. it's driving past the stoplights by my house and being able to predict to the second how long it will be or maybe it's the corner where it's the local pizza shop where i would hang out in elementary school. it's just an overflow of memories and feelings that invade my mind. i know i'm most likely never going to permanently live in my hometown again, but i know it will always be there and nothing ever changes that much. i love how nothing changes though. i love how students who now go to my high school still go to the pita place across the street for lunch. there's just so much that changes and moves in a big city and how nothing ever does in a small one. i love how it's practically mandatory to say hello to people walking on the street if you're sitting outside your house. i love how you probably now the people walking anyways, or at least their family. i love how it's a small city but its my city and no one will ever change the feeling i get when i'm there.

A Love Like Their's

 

that can't eat, can't sleep, 

reach-for-the-stars, 

over-the-fence, 

world series kinda thing.

Until I Find Myself Again

it's not that i wanted to act this way, to be this way, to change into this

to become this person

i don't think i'm a worse or better person now than i was

i'm just different

the level of apathy inside me is pathetic.

i've broken my own rules.

i've broken my own heart.

i've stopped doing what's good or what's bad

i've started doing what i want.

despite the sometimes severe consequences.

i wake up

i go to sleep

time and time again.

just waiting for something to ignite inside of me.

the missing light to come back.

until then...

hello, this is me.

A Selfless Love

love is maybe the most selfish thing a person can want. i believe that. people who want love want someone to support them, to be there for them, to love them unconditionally. they want someone to witness their life, to make sure that when they pass on, someone was beside them making memories along the way with them. love is the most selfish want a person could vie for. yet, we all want it. maybe that's why people love each other, because they understand that once you do love someone you have to become selfless. you have to take all the "i" in your life and turn it into "we". maybe that's why it works out. then sometimes when it doesn't work out, it's because the person didn't give enough for the other person to be happy. so who is selfish in that case? the person that didn't give enough? or the person judging them for not giving enough? all i know is that while love is selfish, maybe it's like double negatives that cross out each other and become one big positive. one big positive.

The Constant Struggle

which one should you listen to?

in my opinion,

always 

always 

always

listen to your heart.

the hurt is worth the reward, 

or so i'm told.

Hide and Seek