You Are So Much More

i keep searching for the best version of you,

even though you keep showing me the worst.

it's a never-ending circle;

a vicious cycle.

to believe in someone

and them let you down, 

time and time again.

the hope, love and faith

now being replaced

with dread and hate.

prove yourself wrong,

because i know i'm right

and i know you can be better.

i just don't think you realize this.

don't gain the world, by trading your soul. 

the world's fucked up. 

It's Just A Kiss

blow a kiss

see where it lands

I'm Feeling This

summer isn't a season

summer is a feeling.

i live for summer. this is the only season that i believe people truly live. as a university student, it is clear that although people go out and make plans, it's often scheduled and by the book. they don't have that relaxed aura about them. in the summer though, students let loose, they travel here and day trip there. people seem to be more carefree, even though most have summer jobs. this is the time of year when people legitimately have fun and live. so long live summer, but not the season. long live the feeling that you get when you're making a spontaneous decision, the feeling of the sun beating down on you, the feeling that no one in the world is having as much fun or is as happy as you are at a specific moment. long live the summer feeling.

Our Tradition

my friends and i have traditions. it also just so happens that most of our traditions occur in the summer months. i think its part of growing up in a small town and having to entertain ourselves with limited resources and actual things to do.

one of the biggest traditions are the backyarders. a foreign concept to some, but to us, it's as much a part of our summer as the sunshine. (backyarders (noun): to party in the backyard of a friend's house). we don't have grottoes or boats or amazing cottages up in muskoka. we don't bar hop around town and pray that a good dj will come into town. we don't get bottle service and we don't listen to house music. we have our parents' lawn chairs, an old cd player (if we're lucky with an ipod hook up) blasting whatever cd someone thought to put in and if we're really lucky there will be a table, but that's not necessary. i think that's why our group of friends are so close with one another. we sit at these backyarders and talk and talk and laugh and talk and laugh some more. we don't jam til the sunrises, or take pills to help make our night better. we're friend and this is where the best tradition ever continues.

Blame the Clocks

i remember walking into residence for the first time almost three years ago. i wasn't scared, i was so excited. i love meeting new people, almost as much as bacon, and knew this was going to be the best time to meet everyone. since that beautiful day in september (i remember it being beautiful because i was wearing shorts and a top i had picked out a week before moving in, because i wanted to make a good impression on everyone) i've met a lot of people, i've written a lot of essays and i've grown up.

i've learned that if you want to get into ceeps on homecoming- go before eight o'clock, i've learned that people don't necessarily have to be our closest friend to truly inspire you and i've learned that sometimes things don't work out and nothing goes as planned, and yet you still have to wake up everyday and get on with life. of course i've also learned school stuff, like when the westphalia treaty was signed (1648) and how bill clinton believed in a hamiltonian foreign policy approach, but honestly i don't think thats why people go to school.

university isn't about learning about treaties and religious wars, it's about finding yourself. it's about learning what you're good at, meeting people who make you want to be even better and discovering what makes you happy. time is flying by, three years at this place are over and honestly, i don't have time to not be happy.

i'm so scared of time. yes, i want it to be summer. yes, i want to do nothing all day except maybe read a really good book. yes, i want to put abbey road on my record player and do nothing but listen. but no, i don't want to grow up. no, i don't want to think about if i don't find a job right after i graduate. no, i don't want to believe that all my dreams couldn't come true. right now, i can keep all my dreams alive. i'm young and can picture my life unfolding perfectly, but when you grow up, reality sets in and things become seemingly impossible. i'm good at being young so yes, if time could just slow down and let me have some more fun, that would be perfect.

Happy 4/20

now i'm in the sky like birds and helicopters

Young Money

baby i got your money

listen 

listen

listen

get some.

That One Person

what would have happened

if you never met the person who changed everything?

Pride & Honour

stay strong

be safe

Stay True

 stop being the person you think you should be, 

and start being you. 

listen

Shed A Tear

you're anything but weak

Out of Options

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars? 

i could really use a wish right now 

airplanes by b.o.b ft. hayley williams

listen

download

Let's Be Friends

it usually starts off as simple as the title. in kindergarten you run up to the nearest person and decide, right then and there that you should be friends. boom. done. friends. but why do friendships last? and why do they crumble? i realize there are the typical answers of people changing, moving away, a bad decision here, a drunken fight there. but honestly, should any of that matter? sometimes there is so much history between two people, that you just have to be friends. it's not so much a need anymore, or a want, but a necessity.

sometimes being a friend is the most difficult thing in the world because within all friendships there's love and people hurt the ones they love. we've all heard that saying before but, i believe in that phrase. of course we hurt the ones we love, we know that despite the hurting and the bad decisions and the drunken fights, they'll still love us. however, even though i do believe in those words, i wish i did not. why would we hurt the people that matter most? it just doesn't make sense. why do people have to hurt each other at all? i understand that sometimes, it's inevitable, but sometimes it's not. sometimes, people are in full control and realize that they're hurting someone else, and continue to do it. i don't like this. fix the problem. say something. anything. say that you're really sad or mad or tired or confused or whatever it is that's causing you to act a certain way and ask for space. don't ignore your friends, don't pretend like they can't help, and don't keep brushing the close ones away just to see the ones that don't matter, the ones that don't make you feel. your true friends will understand, probably ask one more time if you are sure and need anything, and then, because they love you, will give you your space.

then there are times though, that i wouldn't trade for the world. the long car drives, the last minute decisions to leave a town, the nights out, the days in bed because neither friend wants to face the real world, those are the times where the love is built stronger. the love and the comfort towards one another to just sit, in your ugliest comfiest clothes (i don't own ugly clothes) and be yourself. that's my favourite thing about a friend. those moments, where you wouldn't believe anyone that said life got any better.

The Crisis in Your Heart

i don't know what you want

but i have what you need

Get Lost With Me

let's drive too far

without a map

because

it's just you and me.

we'll end up somewhere

beautiful

and we'll never come home,

ever.

Living in Never Never Land

 i'm one of the lucky ones, i understand that. i love my family so much and they are truly my favourite people in the world.  my dad makes me pancakes every sunday at 11am, although he already made my brother some at 9am. my mom is easily the most selfless person i know and is stronger than she lets a lot of people believe. my brother, he's everything good in the world and my main reason for wanting to be a better person. i know that despite the situation, time of day, night or place they will be there for me. they've supported me and loved me even when i didn't love myself. but there's a problem, isn't there always?

the problem being, my liver or to be more specific, how my ill-functioning liver affects my life and their's. to my dad who makes the best pancakes and my adorable mother, i'm fragile. i'm breakable and vulnerable and easily hurt. they have good reasons behind their thinking too. having their oldest child and only daughter almost die (twice) isn't something most parents take with a grain of salt. i however, have treated my illness like a hang nail since day one... but that's another story. both my mom and my dad have handled having a chronically sick child extremely well, i believe. they've let me go away to sleepover camps, let me continue to play basketball after my diagnosis, go away to a different city to attend school, but all at a price. when i went to sleepover camps, they insisted on telling everyone i met immediately about my illness. this made it so i wasn't the little funny, outspoken girl, but the sick girl. when i played basketball, they made me wear a belt around my waist, insisting that this piece of teflon would soften the blow to my spleen and stop it from rupturing if i was ever hit... fat chance. finally, when i went to apply to schools, i was looking at ones in other provinces, across the country even, but this wasn't allowed either. the only rule they had was i must stay inside the province. so i did, i attended their alma mater, in all its purple, pretentious glory.

even today as i write this as an adult in every since of the word. i can vote, i can join the army, i can drink (well, i can't because of said liver problem, but i'm legally allowed, so i'm going to throw it in there), but i can't go to the caribbean because they don't speak english, i wasn't allowed to go on a high school trip to greece because the health care there isn't great. i can't travel somewhere without figuring out the health insurance plan for people with chronic diseases. yes i'm an adult, but to my parents, i'm still the little girl asking the nurses for more apple juice.

i know they do this because they worry, and they worry because they love me more than i probably understand. but sometimes, i just wish i could pick up and go to austria for the summer, or travel around south america and not worry about whether i'll be able to find a place to get my prescriptions filled, or go get breakfast with a bunch of friends and not pull out my pill bottle that looks like i push more weight than biggie in his prime.

when i was 11, i got diagnosed with a liver disease, and since then, i wasn't just my parent's daughter. i became their sick child. something that my mom and dad's love could never heal and i think that's what bothers them the most.

The Glorious Adventure

you said you were lost, but the postcards you sent were beautiful

Surrender Yourself

I've often thought that surrender was something horrible; a last resort in trench warfare, the waving of a white flag, giving up. But I've started to rethink this belief. Maybe surrendering yourself doesn't have to mean giving up, but simply coming to peace with yourself and who you were, are and are becoming. Maybe you have to surrender and show your bones, heart and soul in order to truly be at peace.

Make the Good Ones Count

Memories and feelings are related

They fuck you up in the same way

Both of them

They take on different forms like shape-shifters from cheesy sci-fi movies, the ones i hate

Neither ask permission to enter your brain or come at regular intervals

The smallest of triggers and suddenly you're being flooded with emotion

A song, a word, a smell, a clothing item and it all comes back

The bad ones never just come and go

They linger far too long and always at the worst of times

But it comes down to one question, 

Do your good ones outnumber your bad ones?

Because then, you'll be okay, kid

That Little Bit Extra

don't be afraid to build yourself up

What Did You Learn Today?

i've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
all you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
i've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back
and it's not the end of the world.
i've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
i've leaned that it's not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
i've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
after that, you better know something.

i've learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in awhile
and you must forgive them for that.
i've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn't stop for your grief
i've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
i've learned that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

-my favourite parts of Omer B. Washington's "I've Learned"

Coach K For President

i'm just saying...if he can coach a team to play like that, think of what he could do for america? some food for thought after a very, very, VERY emotionally straining game. i couldn't be happier for my blue devils. scheyer should go first round after that performance, and smith made his foul shots when they counted. i couldn't ask for more heart out of the duke team. congrats to butler for playing the role of cinderella better than anyone in the past decade and for almost fitting into the glass slipper.

a very satisfying end to my favourite time of the year.

Music is My Sun

i dont think people understand my relationship with my itunes. if facebook would let me, i would put i was in a relationship with it. well, why not? it knows me better than most... it knows that if im having a bad day, sia will be playing on repeat or if i'm going out, i'll indulge in some swedish house mafia and when i'm cooking, ray lamontagne will fill my kitchen with his voice.

it's almost like it's a problem. a day without music i couldn't imagine. i put on my radio before i put on my seat belt. if i have a long drive ahead of me (or even a short one) a playlist is mandatory and i swear there is nothing i love more than the perfect song that matches a perfect day.

so what if i can't explain my problems and talk about my feelings... regina, jack, kanye and stars can do that for me. if you go through my playlists, it's like reading my diary. but no one has ever taken the time to listen.

Q&A

blogs are great because you never know who's reading them, a friend, a foe, a stranger and yet people continually spill their biggest secrets, fears, ambitions and their inner-most feelings. it makes you feel like you're connected. i like it but, i'm not about to open up completely. ask some kid that writes this blog and he'll be the first to tell you that im not great at "being open" but here's my latest attempt.

these questions are from the tv show inside the actors studio and james lipton (the host) asks every celebrity on the show the same ones.
so here's another piece to the rather complicated and intrinsic puzzle of my life. (ps. if you put my life together, let me know... i'm still working on that)

The questions are in purple.
My answers are in yellow.

1. What is your favorite word? euphoric
   
2. What is your least favorite word? hate
   
3. What turns you on? swagger
   
4. What turns you off? arrogance
   
5. What sound or noise do you love? the symphony of my family's laughter
   
6. What sound or noise do you hate? people uncontrollably crying
   
7. What is your favorite curse word? fuck
   
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? stewardess
   
9. What profession would you not like to do? astronaut
   
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? you're just in time, biggie just went on stage

Late Night Sessions

i think that sometimes, people dont want to be with the people that know them the most. they expect you to act a certain ways and react certain ways. however, sometimes when you go out with a friend, but not a close one, it's better. it's a chance to just be whatever; act a little more dangerous, flirt a bit harder, kiss a little bit longer.

so sometimes, although it's amazing to always have that near and dear friend close by, it's also important to surround yourself with people that make you happy, because in the end, that's all that matters.

A Turbulent Dream

thesis: fantasy
anti-thesis: terror
synthesis: gaiety

Saving Camelot

when the castle walls have been broken and
all your defenses have been beaten,
i will be beside you

Ou, Boy I Love You So

i never ever ever wanna let you go

shwayze, johnny, dolls, matchbox,
some of my favourite boys.