If I Had Met You A Year Ago

i've written this paragraph before. i remember writing it about the boy who broke me, before he broke me. this was when i thought only he could give me that look that made my legs shake and make me speechless. i remember writing it about the boy who changed me, before he changed me. i wrote it when i believed he would be the one i would think about at my wedding when i was saying 'i do' to someone else and thinking about his face laying next to me. i've written this before, but i wasn't right.

i didn't know i'd meet you. it's almost disappointing that i met you now. if it had met you a year ago, i probably would have told you everything by now. i wouldn't have stayed over that one night, and then i wouldn't have picked you up the next night. i would have messaged you and blushed and smiled when you messaged me back... assuming that you would have, but that's about it. nothing more than talk. if i had met you last year, i would have told you by now that this wasn't like anything else. i can remember my thoughts around you. i can keep my legs from shaking and my stomach from flipping. i can only do this though because for once im trusting someone to not let me fall. you don't see it yet. but one day you'll understand.

you see, i'm not great at trust or making myself vulnerable. i like control. i like only accounting for myself. but you're starting to change that. i'm starting to lean on you and to tell you things that usually i would never dream about articulating. i don't think you understand how hard that is for me. maybe one day you will. maybe one day you'll wake up and look over and everything will become clear, even with your eyesight. maybe  you'll see me differently than how you do currently. hopefully you do because my legs not shaking and being able to talk mean more to me than any look or feel any other guy has ever given me.

but because of the boy who broke me and the boy who changed me, i'm no longer interested in having to break my heart and move on after another let down. one day i'll be fine, and then maybe something will fall into place, but until then i just don't know what to do...