Home Away From Home

 

chi city

my city

Timing is Everything

it happened again. the feeling i thought was gone forever. happened again. it was a dark road, a red light, an unknown song a deep lyric from a cheesy song and then the feeling. no, not a feeling. it was the thought of you in my head. again. after all this time. after countless songs on the radio, on ipods, at bars on cds- so many songs that didn't do anything to stir up the feeling of you beside me or the thought of us together. then it happened again. it was all because of this song. this song by a band i don't even like. on a radio station i never listen to. it was all the wrong circumstances that led me back to thinking of you. so what am i supposed to do? i'm supposed to wait for one of two things. for the feeling to come back and then deal with it again, or for you to tell me you felt the same way, except probably because of a different song.

Merry Christmas

have yourself a merry little christmas

Give A Little Bit

it always happens this time of year. people start to care more and share often. patience grows within each of us and everyone seems to be a little bit happier. people volunteer and give more to those in needs often following up their actions with sayings like, "well it is that time of year" and "its the season of giving after all." but my question is, why don't people act like this year round? would it be too much of a hassle for people to give more regularly because they know its the right thing to do- not because it's getting closer to a rather secularized religious holiday? shouldn't people be more caring in march? or maybe in august? i love how people spend more time with family, this time of year, and how everyone walks with a bounce in their step, a sign of truly enjoying life. why can't we act like this all the time? we should give more in june and care more in july. not just in december. tis the season for giving and being thankful. but i think every season should carry the same notion.

If We Could Forget

what if you could erase a memory? what if all it took was a magical saying, a special potion and poof. a memory was gone. what would you erase? would you erase the person that turned you down at the bar? would you erase when you wore that horrible outfit to school and thought you were cool? or would you be brave enough to not erase anything? everything we do in life forms into the person we become. you learned from that rejection, and that horrible outfit choice. if we erased the memory, we'd erase the learning and thats something i wouldnt want to give up. i wouldnt want to erase anything. my life has not been perfect. i don't know anyone who has had a perfect life- they don't exist. so would you try and make your life perfect from cutting out all the bad? the bad is there so when the good comes, you recognize it and are thankful for it. there is no doubt in my mind that people would erase memories, but i would not. i would take everyone of them because i like who i am, and i know i was shaped by my past- the good and the bad.

Mixed Messages

It Wasn't Just A Dream

I keep wondering if it was all a dream. I wonder if you were actually here. If, for under twenty four hours, you were a part of my life again and everything went back to what it was like before you left. Before you got up and moved across the world. I wonder if those hours were just a long dream I had and you were never actually here. It was just all in my head. There's an atlas on my table that's opened to the place that you now call home. It's the only proof I have that you were here. You showed me where you live and where you want to go. That's the only proof I have that you sat on my couch, we talked and talked and talked. Just like we used to. So it was all real, right? You were actually here and I was actually talking to you. We fought and bickered like always and laughed and starred, like always. So now that I'm sure you were here, there's only one question left. When will you wake up and see what's happening?

I Can't Lie to Myself

I can lie in my writing. I can type words that make it seem like it's all okay now. That I don't need you and didn't miss you. I can tell myself that when I was driving to see you I wasn't shaking because I was so anxious and that when I saw you again, for the first time in almost a year, my heart didn't drop. I can say that I didn't want you to kiss me, because it would ruin our friendship. I can say that I didn't want you to tell me that you felt the exact same way I do. I can write and say and tell myself all these things. But in the end, I can't. I can't make myself believe in what I'm writing or what I'm going to tell you and all my friends. I can't stop myself from thinking and thinking and thinking about us. I wish I could, but I can't lie to myself.

The Sun Rose For Us

out of everyone i looked at today

i only saw you

The Road Never Taken

i never ask for a lot concerning love. mostly because if i don't ask for it, and i don't get it then i'm not disappointed. but i'm disappointed in us. i'm disappointed because it never was in the cards for us to work. it started perfectly, grade nine classes together, same group of friends, same city. everything was in place for another typical high school romance. then you moved. i never really got to know you, but a grade nine girl doesn't have to know a guy to know that she likes him. i liked you. a lot. so when you moved away, well, i fell for your best friend, but that story has already been told. however, i still thought of you.

i would hear stories about you through our friends, each time remembering and thinking what if... knowing that while you moved away, an hour wasn't that far. but we didn't see each other enough and when we did it was too much small talk and not enough looks to get any place fast.

high school ended. university began in a new city. your city. i was excited to be at the school, but so much time had passed i'd almost forgotten about your adorable smile and sweet sense of humor. almost. we started hanging out again. you'd come over to help me with jobs around my apartment. we'd run into each other at parties and laugh more than the rest of the people in attendance put together. again it was happening like a typical college romance should... the friends, the laughs, the parties. until you moved away. again. but this time, you didn't move within the same area code, or even within the same province. yes, you remained in the same country, but three time zones over doesn't mean much.

so now im stuck back to grade nine. thinking of what ifs and imagine thats... luckily i was able to get you out of my head once, and i'll be sure to do it again. but i always find myself wanting to talk to you or for you to show up at a party where i know you'd be if you were still here. i hope you love being out west. i hope you look at the ocean and the mountains everyday and love it. but i also hope you know that we could have been legendary.

Stuck with You

you'll be with me forever. but it's not like i want you to be

you took a needle, dipped it in ink and started tattooing 

you tattooed your smile into my brian, your smell into my nose, 

your fingerprints on my heart. 

so now i'm stuck here with you. forever.

maybe the ink will eventually fade. 

maybe time will heal some wounds.

but maybe it won't.

maybe this is what i'll be stuck with. forever. 

for every memory that i can't shake and feeling i can't hide

for every thought that keeps me up at night

there is a reaction in my heart,

don't take these things away. 

don't let the ink fade

i want the memories forever.  

it was a beautiful time.

The Way the Wall Fell

the whole world needs you to be you, because no one else can

Pointing the Finger

i was a dreamer and a romantic. i wouldn't admit it to anyone. my sarcastic and dry humor doesn't allow a lot of room for a dreamer's mentality, or the emotions of a romantic but i was both. i thought about my future, i had a whimsical aura. everything was in place. until it wasn't. until i was left without dreams and without love. until you broke me. now i have nothing to say. historically, i've tried to talk less, i've tried to think less. now i just am. i try and write about something, anything but, nothing fits. (even this paragraph seems forced to me). i want to have that fire back in my soul, that mentality in my head that keeps me writing. the voice has been put on mute though. you pressed the button, you blew out my fire. i'll find it again i'm sure. but my wall is up and it's thicker than you could believe. i kept trying and trying before you. for right now, there's no more trying. for right now there's only empty thoughts and meaningless stares. i hate to play the blame game, but it's your fault.

The Tainted Truth

sometimes, it's easier to say you're fine instead of having to explain all the reasons why you're not.

It's for Me

there's a place in this world that is all my own.

it's hidden from mean eyes, judging stares and wanting looks.

it's protected from you, from them, from everyone

but me. 

there's a place in this world that is all my own. 

i love it's holes, i crave the smell, i need the sounds.

it's not perfect, it's not big, it's perfect

for me. 

there's a place in this world that is all my own. 

it lets me think, express and inspire.

i didn't use it as much as i should, but it always helps

me.

The Hope in My Heart

despite the night being so dark

the sun still rose in the morning

The Way I See It

Maybe it's because I almost died when I was 11. Actually, I'm pretty sure that's why. To me, people take things too seriously. Yes, there are absolutely times when life is serious and very important things and events occur. But most of the time in the grand scheme of things, every day encounters and obstacles just aren't important. I think when you almost die at such a young age, it affects you. Even if you think it doesn't at the time, or if you don't notice it. I live my life the way I want. I understand how short it can be and how one minor accident can drastically change your life forever. So I stopped taking days and hours and minutes for granted a long time ago. I love every day of my life. Even the bad ones, aren't that bad if you actually think about it. Will this affect you in a week? In a year? In ten years? Being happy, having memories and looking back on your life will all matter. When I do this, I want to have so many stories filled with laughter and smiles and love. So, while some my perceive my lack of caring as a negative connotation, they're wrong. It's not that I don't care. I care a lot. I just care about the stuff that matters. The stuff that will affect me in ten years, twenty years, fifty years. That stuff is what people should care about. The rest of the time, we should all just have fun.

Thinking and Hoping

i like these pictures. 

i like them a lot.

You Felt It Too

Be Thankful

for food in a world where many are hungry

for friends in a world where many walk alone

for faith in a world where many are afraid

i give thanks

Know Your Limits

I would die for you, but I won't live for you.

.

Why

Dear Heart, 

WHY HIM?!

Sincerely, Brain

Hook and Eye

You Fit Into Me

you fit into me

like a hook into an eye

a fish hook 

an open eye

-Margaret Atwood

So, Kiss Me

i don't care who your first kiss was with, but i want your last one to be with me.

The Me I Used to Be

This isn't me missing you.

This is me missing the me I used to be. 

This is me missing knowing what I wanted. 

I wanted you. 

Now, I want nothing. 

Now, I need nothing

Now, I feel nothing. 

This isn't me missing you,

I don't miss your messages, emails or stories. 

I don't miss your laugh, your rare smile or your sincerity. 

I miss me loving all of that. 

I miss me looking forward to a story.

I miss me loosing my breath over your smile. 

This isn't me missing you. 

This is me missing everything that used to be.

This is me missing the me I used to be. 

This isn't me. 

A Cold Winter Awaits

it's not something that i'm proud of, well that's what i told you anyways. it's the truth, but it's also so much more complicated than that simple statement. it's not a choice to act this way, it's necessary and painstakingly hard to fulfill. i don't expect you to understand, because i don't expect myself to be able to communicate my feelings and this situation in such a way that would be comprehensible. you'll try hard to understand, and probably be content to make some of your own conclusions and believe those to be the final answer, but you'll be wrong. well, maybe not wrong, but not fully correct. i apologize for this behviour, it's not something i'm proud of, but it's necessary. 

This Was Then

every once in awhile, i'll sit down and write something in a place where nothing is supposed to be written. i'll take a seat in the back booth of a bar, and just write as the girls dance around in tiny outfits and the boys do their best not to make their stares noticeable. this was where i wrote this. it's crazy to think that i felt this way at one point because so much has changed. but i think it's important to understand how you once felt in order to heal your own wounds and help yourself come back together.

this is what i wrote one night in a dark bar...

there are lyrics and quotes and everything in between that i can relate back to when thinking of you, and me, and us. there isn't an us. there should be. i'd be hesitant to say all the time, but definitely sometimes, there should be an us. i've gone through every scenario. why do you rely on me so much? why do you go to me for everything? you're the smartest person i know. i mean that. yet, you do the most confusing things. all the time. you confuse the fuck out of me consistently. for no reason that i can fathom, just leave me alone. it would be much easier that way-- if there was space or distance or something. for all the reasons i love technology i also hate it. i hate how i can't get away, i can't leave the world behind and get you out of my head. i know that's what i need. but you need me. i want you and you need me. why is there such a difference between those two words: need and want... they are the thick, thick wall that divides us. get out of my head. get out of my heart. you're taking up too much space. you've broken everything. my heart and my head have both crumbled. now i have to listen to my head and break my own heart all over again, after you've already broken it. i have to do this for my future and for my sanity. breaking your own heart is so hard. but you made me do this. everything was fine before you, so is this feeling i have worth it? the rush to the head, the drop of the stomach. the feeling you give me. is it all worth it?


it was worth giving up.

The Prophecy

a man once asked me, "have you ever been alone in a crowded room?"

i can now answer, "more often than you know"

Battle Studies

sometimes the hardest fights you're ever going to fight isn't with a monster from under your bed, or the bitchy girl in fifth grade. the hardest fights are going to be with yourself. the hardest fights are going to be against yourself. the constant internal conflict of self vs. self has plagued the human race since time began, i'm sure of it. while things have developed and evolved greatly since that point, the constant struggle of one's own thoughts and feelings have continued to be a burden. the problem is that with other conflicts you have a choice, fight or flee. the two decisions one is always faced with when posed with a problem concerning the outside world, but what happens when you can only fight? how can you flee from the thoughts mixed and tangled in your own mind? you can't. you simply have to fight and fight and then fight some more. it's not easy, but no one said it was. actually, people realize now that it's the exact opposite. fighting something internally bound inside of you is by far the hardest thing you could have to face; and you have to face it because you have no choice. i need control in my life, and i find it in everything i do and everywhere i go. but, what am i supposed to do when the one thing i can't control is myself.

Swing Life Away

i love swing sets. when i was little i realized that this was probably the closest i could get to going on a real roller coaster while being three feet tall. i would swing for hours. my friends and i would go to the park and while they played on the jungle gym, i would just stay on the swing set. trying to get higher and higher. sometimes i would challenge the person next to me to see who could jump the furthest, but that wasn't my main motivation for swinging so high. i loved being able to see above the short tree line surrounding the park. i liked how if i leaned back, i could feel the momentum pushing me further. i felt like if i just kept swinging all my problems would go away.

the other day i found a swing set. i hadn't been on one in forever and i sincerely forgot how much i enjoyed them. the feeling of the air rushing through my hair was still there, that feeling in my stomach came back as soon as i reached a certain height and i still had a sense that i could see everything from such a height.

i realized while i was swinging that the swing was a lot like life, you pushed and pushed to get higher and higher, just like people try so hard to get to a certain point in their life. some people's lives end too soon, like when we would jump off the swing and the seat would keep swinging like someone was supposed to be on it. but most times, you keep going higher  until you can finally see as much as possible, you push yourself and push yourself, but eventually it has to slow down and come back. a continuous circle. its similar to realizing that you know so much about everything at the end of your life. you can see the most on your very last trip, and then the swing starts to slow down.

i want to swing forever.

Three Truths and a Lie

i never wanted the feeling to go away. that's a truth. i wanted you to match my feeling. but that never happened. it was consuming me. this feeling, this mentality; it was all so exhausting. i would wake up, and think of you. i would drive to work, and think of you. i would hear a song on the radio, and think of you. i would go through a magazine, and think of you. my phone would buzz, and i'd think of you. like a short film on loop, you were constantly inside my head. your mannerisms, voice, face, touch, were all in my head replaying themselves and torturing me. then it all changed. that's another truth. i wasn't sure at first. at first i thought it was my mind trying to trick my heart again into not needing you, not wanting you. i didn't believe i could actually change my feelings about you. but i did. i don't know if my heart gave up, or my mind finally overpowered. but it was as if a veil was lifted. you didn't change. i changed. that's the final truth. it's okay though, it wouldn't have worked out anyways. that's the lie, it probably would have. but for now, while i'm still scrambling to pick up all the pieces that you left me in, i'm going to have to lie and say that it wouldn't have worked.

The Places You've Come to Fear the Most

get in

shut up

we're driving

fast

we're going no where

fast

it's okay

i don't care

you care less

so get in

shut up

we're leaving.

One Wish

If I was granted one wish, I would wish for you. It would be for you to always keep your sense of wonder. don't let the malicious people of this world take that twinkle out of your eye and let the dust and dirt pollute your immaculate spirit like it has to so many others before you. believe in your dreams. believe in love. believe in yourself because sometimes no one else will, well it might seem like no one else does, but I always will. I will always know how special you are compared to everyone else. i don't think this world is good enough for you. you deserve so much more. you deserve a place where the demons don't keep people up at night, where people aren't paid to sell products that knowingly hurt others of their kind, and where the filth of the trash of humanity can't harm you. you deserve so much more. so if I had one wish, only one wish, I wouldn't wish for the lottery, i wouldn't wish for love for me or  to be prettier or more kind, I would wish for you. I would wish that everything you ever dreamed of comes true, and when it happens, that I get to be standing beside you.

Some Things, Others Say Better

WORDS from Everynone on Vimeo.

When There's Nothing Left to Say

I need to catch my breath

I need to stop thinking and re-thinking

I need to think about anything but you. 

I'll return when there's something left to say

Show Me Love

The Pounding in Our Heads

i love all kinds of music. i couldn't live without indie's lyrics, or hip hop's beats. i enjoy mozart's piano above hoffman and chopin's on any day and the fun sounds of top 40 are a guilty pleasure. however, there is something about house music that makes it stand out. house, techno, electro, dubstep... whatever you want to call it, it's different. there's that pulsating beat of a good house song. one that doesnt just sit in the air like a scent from a candle, but entrenches itself within your body. it seeps through your skin and penetrates into your bloodstream. soon, your heart is beating at at the same pace as the song. ever rising and lowering, coordinated like rollar coaster car, mimicking the track.

then it hits, it drops, it comes together; and if you look around the club at the right moment, if you are able to look around the club, you can see it. you can see it in the eyes of the boy next you, the girl on stage and especially in the eyes of the resident dj at his set up. they all have felt it too. they have felt the beat and the pulse that you have, connecting you in a way we rarely see in an open crowd.

so while house music may at times lack the lyrics, or the soothing sounds of other genres, i have found that only house music can bring people together in this mythic way.

some suggestions for the next time you want to connect and some keep up with the growing gypsy trend....

Diplo- Way More Brazil

Robyn- Hang With Me (Avicii Remix)

Steve Angello & AN21- Flonko

Yolando Be Cool & DCUP- We No Speak Americano

Where Am I?

i'll send you a postcard

i'll read you the news

from this new place

where i live.

but it's not home

it's just a place.

with a bed, a kitchen and chairs

with a tv, a couch and a shower.

this place isn't home.

this is four walls, with a roof and flooring.

i hate being homeless

The Build Up and the Drop

you can lead a heart to love, but you can't make it fall. no matter how hard you try and put yourself 'out there' sometimes the pieces just don't come together and the universe decides that it will not work. no matter how many times you think it over and over about the possibilities. no matter how much you think about the time together and maybe a little apart-- just to see if the heart does grow fonder. it doesn't mean it will all work out. it means you tried. it means that you're living, and loving and trying. it means that you're braver than you think and stronger than you seem. so sometimes, the heart won't fall, the stars won't allign and the main characters won't kiss before the credits but it will be in times like this that true character will shine through.

You Were Only the Beginning

i remember when it all started. it was before the college dorm rooms, before the late night cram sessions, before the blonde hair, the high nights and the higher heels. it was the time of braces, of third period history, of sharing lunches and varsity sports. it was there that it all ended with you, but started everything else. with you, it started much before that. it started in grade five, at the community dance, my friend introduced us. i was wearing a new  gray t-shirt that my mom had bought me at the mall. i wanted you to like me like you liked all the other girls. you were a player and a flirt even back then. i was the only one though, that you didn't slow dance with and didn't hug goodnight.

i was okay with that, even at the age of ten i was ready to compromise. and then it continued until grade ten. until you had finally been rejected yourself, and i was there to talk to you over icq to try and fix everything. i was determined that you and i would be happy. i had never had a boyfriend, but i knew about relationships, i was watching them happen all around me. so i told you, well actually, i wrote it on a website (funny how things come full circle) and i remember exactly what i wrote. "i'm not asking for forever, i'm just asking for a chance." you said it surprised you. bullshit. you knew it was coming. you said you didn't think it could work. bullshit. it would have. you said you still loved her. fact. to this very day, you still love the girl you chose over me. but it was never me or her. it was always her, it just took me another five years to realize that. well, i guess that makes the most sense, five years of wanting you took five more years to learn to love you, as a friend. as a great friend that i am lucky to have.

every time i see you out, i still think about how we could have had some fun together. then i see you look at her, and i can only hope, that one day, someone as wonderful as you will look at me that way.

you're where it all started. from that day in grade ten, when i told you i liked you, and faked sick the next day so i wouldnt have to face you at school, that's when it started. i started wanting to find love, find someone that cared for me and wanted me back. it's been a hopeless search. for you, it took fifteen years of your life. for me, it's taken a little while longer, but it'll come. just like it did for you. hopefully, i won't have to break any hearts in the process. you're where it all started, i'm searching for the person to make it end.