A Cold October

i'm trying my best to stay distracted. it's easier said than done. i find myself corner in dance clubs and hiding in  bathroom stalls. i just wish you were beside me all the time. there's no one i want beside me but you. i'm happier when you're around. when you're sitting next to me. anything really, i love just you and me being together. because, well fuck, that's what we should be. we should be together. right? we should have met earlier. we should have had more time together. we should have figured this shit out.

or we shouldnt have done anything at all. what would have happened to us if you decided not to message me. if i didn't follow you into your room that night. do you remember that night? you don't. i don't even have to ask you and i know you don't remember it. maybe i'm still putting high expectations on us and over estimating how much you like me. but sometimes, when you wake up in the middle of the night and kiss my forehead then roll over, that's the best feeling in the world. but what if none of this happened and we weren't connected to one another. you didn't think of me and i didn't think of you. i was able to meet someone else. theres all these possibilities of alternate universes where we never happened. however, in the only universe that matters- reality- we are connected. you want me. i want you. that much i know.

but now i'm lost. i'm back to really not knowing what's going on. i don't know who to talk to or how to simply tell people about us about who we are, what we are, what we think. anything. i don't know who you are to me. well i do know you're one of my best friends and that's what i want. i've always said i don't want a boyfriend. i just want someone to take on the world with. i want someone to stand beside me. i don't want a boyfriend. i want a bestfriend. fuck, i just want you back.

just come back.

or i'll just go there.

do we really want to keep going like this? why cant we try being together. i don't know what to do. i don't know what you want. but i'm too scared to ask.

i wish.. fuck i dont even know what i want. well besides you.

The Nights Got Longer

you'll always be my good feeling- no matter your area code

Stagnant Change

I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't think of your face before I fall asleep just to make sure I have a good dream, instead of the nightmare I had to live as you left me. I don't look around thinking I'm going to see you at a party and I know you're not going to call me anymore of my nicknames you gave me. I don't look up flights everyday for last minute deals. I don't wait to hear your voice over the phone and I don't even need to see your face on my computer anymore. But I still want you. I still want you beside me and want to talk to you. I don't need to do anything than live a typical day in order to miss you. I don't need to have you here but fuck, I want you to be.

The Distractions...

Something about the pose/sunset/water/DRESS.

 

 I really wish this above picture will 

eventually turn into this bottom picture, again.... 

A girl can only hope, right?

 But in the meantime, I think this little guy has it right.

And when all else fails,
know that someone will always be happy to see you. 

Once in Venice

one of my favourite memories of you was when we weren't even together. i was gallivanting my way through europe with my best friends and you were waiting patiently in my home country and your adopted one for my return. those few weeks were tough going to all those places without you. i knew what you'd love and find annoying about the whole process so it was like you were there with me. i also knew that you would have made it a thousand times better, well at least for me.

 

but anyways, i remember as i sat in a restaurant in the middle of a Venetian square eating octopus salad, you messaged me about this or that. we talked for a bit then you asked me to call you if i could because you knew how expensive it was. i don't think i had talked to you on the phone more than a handful of times, but i hadn't heard your voice in so long. i had been craving it and while everyone was wondering around after dinner i escaped down a alleyway to call you.

the phone call wasn't very long. we said hi to each other, asked about each others days and i probably rambled about something. and you probably definitely let me. it was so nice to be in this place, most likely where we'll never be together and be with you in a way. we had had better conversations, and we would have more meaningful goodbyes, but that one phone call solidified something. it cemented the idea that i was yours and you were mine and this was the case despite the length of time allotted to us.

Thinking and Wanting

All I do, is think of you. 

I went across an ocean, and thought of you.

I saw Big Ben, the Eiffel Tower and The Red Light District, and thought of you.

I lit a bowl, and thought of you. 

I ate a hamburger, and thought of you. 

I heard a song, and thought of you. 

I heard another song, and thought of you. 

And another. 

I saw a commercial, and thought of you. 

I laid in bed, and thought of you. 

All I ever do is think of you, because all I want is to be with you. 

Our Story

Do you know what you want? Are you happy with how this is going to play out? Because if nothing changes, I know how it will end. It will be hard at first. This feeling I have now will not fade until sometime probably in mid August. I'll realize that I was out laughing and smiling and getting along just fine without thinking that you should be beside me. Then I'll become content towards our relationship. I'll be able to think of you fondly and without feeling a lump welling up in my throat. I'll think about how much fun we had together, how I was able to trust someone and act wild without being judged or stared at weird. You took me the way I was, and let me be me. For that, I thank you. Obviously not very many other people would do this, or put up with it. But, that's how it will pan out if nothing changes. I have always believed this to be the best decision as well, but it's interesting what a little perspective brings you.

I'll be okay if this is our destiny- if this is what we choose to be the best option because it probably is. it is probably the most likely as well. You won't be back here until next September, I'll be moving away and making less than great amounts of money and we won't ever see each other. But I'll miss you, everyday.


I'll miss everything you'd expect me to miss and that is why I refuse to let you go just yet. Because I know how much I'll miss falling asleep looking at your face. I'll miss how you message me in the morning and throughout the day and never let me go even when I know you're busy and would rather be not be messaging me. I'll miss how you appease me and my little girl habits, despite me also making sure I correct you on every piece of sports trivia. I promise to stop doing this if you come back, if we work this out. It's not supposed to work out. I understand, really. But if it did, we'd be characters from a movie. Our story would be a fairytale. It would be the best bedtime story you could never tell, even if you knew it by heart.

Another Time & Place

i drink more water now that you're gone. 

i've never cried so much.

The Countdown Begins

six days

 

You Make Me Happy

I imagine this is what it would be like to have a boyfriend. It's nice. I think I'll like it, but for right now, it's not a relationship. Honestly, I don't fully understand why we're doing this. Why you're doing this. You didn't want someone to care about, you made that clear. But then maybe I was the exception? Why I chose not to notice until now astonishes me. Why did it take our friend to bring it up, telling me it shocked him we never developed into something, for me to think about you? Why didn't you say anything? You knew, didn't you? You knew I'd come around. Well, at least sometimes it seems like you did. It seemed as if you knew all along that we would be okay. Well, we are, aren't we? I love what we're doing. But what are we doing? Well, I can't talk for you, but I'm genuinely happy. I'm happy when I spend time with you. I'm happy when we're talking. I'm happy when you message me good morning and when you wish me luck on my exams. I'm happy when we eat together and when you hold the door for me. I'm happy when you tease me and lay beside me. You make me happy. So does anything else matter? I don't think so.

Scratch

i didn't want to fall

A Signing Bonus

We weren’t anything. I understand that.

Go and talk and be with whomever you want.

Don’t let me find out.

If I find out, that’s the end of whatever we had.

I’m down for casual.

I’m down for nothing serious.

But I will not be played as a fool

I will not be treated like a second option.

I am a first round draft pick

I intend to be treated as one.

A Tale of Two Kinds

there was him. he was everything right in the world. the thesis. he was the mix rationality and goofiness that i crave. he was artistic and athletic. his devotion to his family and love for his mother was only surpassed by his self discipline and determination. but for every emotion that he showed me, for every thought we shared and question we asked there was an empty hand that should have been held or a longing gaze that was never met. he was someone i wanted, and i know he wanted me. but then he started to let the games get the best of him. the ones he swore he never played.

there was you. you're everything i wanted in the world, but everything i didn't know i needed. the anti-thesis. you're wild and carefree. you smile more times in a day than one could count and strive to be selfless at all times. you're everything he wasn't. you wrap your arms around me just because well, you can and i guess you want to. you hold my hands while asking me the same questions he did, but i feel closer to you. but for once i'm not sure if everything i hated about hm is now just coming through as everything great about you or do i actually like you?  am i finally turning one of my countless guy friends into something more?

 

am i supposed to choose?

Lessons We Learn

We learn a lot in a lifetime. Hell, we learn a lot in a day. As a student, it's seemingly endless the amount of information I not only hear but learn about on a daily basis. But what's taught inside the classroom is often of minuscule value in comparison to what I learn outside the classroom. While the professor can lecture on neoliberalism vs. realism vs. any other ism, outside of the classroom I learn a different set of theories. I learn about loyalty in an environment structured to foster treachery. I learn about truthfulness and integrity while swimming through lies and deceit. I find myself constantly looking for stability and searching for an anchor all the while knowing that stability is a luxury not bestowed upon me, yet. Some days I learn tough lessons. Lessons that are unfair and I beg for answers, which don't always come.  But now I've learned these tough things first hand, which is maybe the only way to penetrate my stubborn side. But some days, we learn great things. Some days, we learn who our true friends are and on other days, these friends are there to remind you of all the great aspects of life. We learn how to laugh at ourselves more and wallow in self pity less. Some days old sayings that we've heard for years start making sense. We understand how less is more and how despite my spoiled girl mindset, money actually cannot buy you happiness. We learn that one in the hand is worth two in the nest and how we should never count any poultry while still in egg form. We finally understand what everyone has been telling us since we were sitting in laps and dancing on our fathers' feet. So keep learning. Keep wondering, questioning and asking questions because lessons are important, no matter how you learned them.

Smile Back

I remember every time you've truly smiled at me. From the first day we met until now, I can point to times and days and moments when we caught eyes and you smiled at me. It's crazy. I never thought I would want to be around someone so much or talk to them about every part of my life. In the past I've been protected and guarded at times. I choose what to share carefully, and although some would say I'm very open, I know what I'm open about. I realize what I'm sharing and how it could effect me. But with you, I don't think about censoring myself, or my speech or what I talk about. I believe in you. I believe in me when I'm with you. I wish you would believe in us.

Waiting for Me to Stop Waiting for You

 

Baby, tell me it’s time to go
Tell me I gotta leave, then tell me I gotta stay
Tell me I’m all you need

listen

Wrong Side of the Water

 The problem is you are just too late for what you want.  I honestly think all you want is my friendship, which is great except I don't want yours. I don't want to be in the same role I play for so many other guys in my life. I'm the go-to, the friend, the girl they can always call and always talk to and for the most part, and for most people, I'm okay with that. But for you it's different. For you, I don't want to be the one you look at with nothing but friendship in your mind. I want to be the girl you tell your friends about. I want to be the one you dance with. I want to be the one you care too much about. But I can't be this girl if you never give me the chance.

A Missing Piece

people ask me if i want a boyfriend and i can honestly respond with a solid and confident no. i don't want a boyfriend. i want a best friend. i want someone to split my hamburger with. i want someone that i want to talk to for days on days. i want someone that will put up with my stubborn, outspoken personality and passion for kanye and biggie. i don't want a boyfriend. i don't want a boy who will buy me necklaces and earrings when he is upset me. i want a boy who will talk and who will listen and learn from our fights and misunderstandings (i promise to listen and learn too). besides, i can buy my own jewelry. i want someone to spend all day sunday with and not just saturday night. i want someone who appreciates me, although that is a bit cliche, but true nevertheless. i want to be challenged and argued with and not appeased. please, do anything but appease me. say you want chinese when i want italian because i'll probably want italian a lot. i don't want a boyfriend who will treat me like another girl on a list. fuck, i hate lists. i hate being on lists. i hate thinking i'm a dime a dozen. i want someone who isn't a boyfriend. i want someone who loves me unconditionally, who respects and values my opinion, who wants me beside him at the bar, in his bed and then at the breakfast table the next morning. so no, i don't want a boyfriend. i want a best friend.