Home Away From Home

 

chi city

my city

Timing is Everything

it happened again. the feeling i thought was gone forever. happened again. it was a dark road, a red light, an unknown song a deep lyric from a cheesy song and then the feeling. no, not a feeling. it was the thought of you in my head. again. after all this time. after countless songs on the radio, on ipods, at bars on cds- so many songs that didn't do anything to stir up the feeling of you beside me or the thought of us together. then it happened again. it was all because of this song. this song by a band i don't even like. on a radio station i never listen to. it was all the wrong circumstances that led me back to thinking of you. so what am i supposed to do? i'm supposed to wait for one of two things. for the feeling to come back and then deal with it again, or for you to tell me you felt the same way, except probably because of a different song.

Merry Christmas

have yourself a merry little christmas

Give A Little Bit

it always happens this time of year. people start to care more and share often. patience grows within each of us and everyone seems to be a little bit happier. people volunteer and give more to those in needs often following up their actions with sayings like, "well it is that time of year" and "its the season of giving after all." but my question is, why don't people act like this year round? would it be too much of a hassle for people to give more regularly because they know its the right thing to do- not because it's getting closer to a rather secularized religious holiday? shouldn't people be more caring in march? or maybe in august? i love how people spend more time with family, this time of year, and how everyone walks with a bounce in their step, a sign of truly enjoying life. why can't we act like this all the time? we should give more in june and care more in july. not just in december. tis the season for giving and being thankful. but i think every season should carry the same notion.

If We Could Forget

what if you could erase a memory? what if all it took was a magical saying, a special potion and poof. a memory was gone. what would you erase? would you erase the person that turned you down at the bar? would you erase when you wore that horrible outfit to school and thought you were cool? or would you be brave enough to not erase anything? everything we do in life forms into the person we become. you learned from that rejection, and that horrible outfit choice. if we erased the memory, we'd erase the learning and thats something i wouldnt want to give up. i wouldnt want to erase anything. my life has not been perfect. i don't know anyone who has had a perfect life- they don't exist. so would you try and make your life perfect from cutting out all the bad? the bad is there so when the good comes, you recognize it and are thankful for it. there is no doubt in my mind that people would erase memories, but i would not. i would take everyone of them because i like who i am, and i know i was shaped by my past- the good and the bad.

Mixed Messages

It Wasn't Just A Dream

I keep wondering if it was all a dream. I wonder if you were actually here. If, for under twenty four hours, you were a part of my life again and everything went back to what it was like before you left. Before you got up and moved across the world. I wonder if those hours were just a long dream I had and you were never actually here. It was just all in my head. There's an atlas on my table that's opened to the place that you now call home. It's the only proof I have that you were here. You showed me where you live and where you want to go. That's the only proof I have that you sat on my couch, we talked and talked and talked. Just like we used to. So it was all real, right? You were actually here and I was actually talking to you. We fought and bickered like always and laughed and starred, like always. So now that I'm sure you were here, there's only one question left. When will you wake up and see what's happening?

I Can't Lie to Myself

I can lie in my writing. I can type words that make it seem like it's all okay now. That I don't need you and didn't miss you. I can tell myself that when I was driving to see you I wasn't shaking because I was so anxious and that when I saw you again, for the first time in almost a year, my heart didn't drop. I can say that I didn't want you to kiss me, because it would ruin our friendship. I can say that I didn't want you to tell me that you felt the exact same way I do. I can write and say and tell myself all these things. But in the end, I can't. I can't make myself believe in what I'm writing or what I'm going to tell you and all my friends. I can't stop myself from thinking and thinking and thinking about us. I wish I could, but I can't lie to myself.

The Sun Rose For Us

out of everyone i looked at today

i only saw you

The Road Never Taken

i never ask for a lot concerning love. mostly because if i don't ask for it, and i don't get it then i'm not disappointed. but i'm disappointed in us. i'm disappointed because it never was in the cards for us to work. it started perfectly, grade nine classes together, same group of friends, same city. everything was in place for another typical high school romance. then you moved. i never really got to know you, but a grade nine girl doesn't have to know a guy to know that she likes him. i liked you. a lot. so when you moved away, well, i fell for your best friend, but that story has already been told. however, i still thought of you.

i would hear stories about you through our friends, each time remembering and thinking what if... knowing that while you moved away, an hour wasn't that far. but we didn't see each other enough and when we did it was too much small talk and not enough looks to get any place fast.

high school ended. university began in a new city. your city. i was excited to be at the school, but so much time had passed i'd almost forgotten about your adorable smile and sweet sense of humor. almost. we started hanging out again. you'd come over to help me with jobs around my apartment. we'd run into each other at parties and laugh more than the rest of the people in attendance put together. again it was happening like a typical college romance should... the friends, the laughs, the parties. until you moved away. again. but this time, you didn't move within the same area code, or even within the same province. yes, you remained in the same country, but three time zones over doesn't mean much.

so now im stuck back to grade nine. thinking of what ifs and imagine thats... luckily i was able to get you out of my head once, and i'll be sure to do it again. but i always find myself wanting to talk to you or for you to show up at a party where i know you'd be if you were still here. i hope you love being out west. i hope you look at the ocean and the mountains everyday and love it. but i also hope you know that we could have been legendary.