A Cold Winter Awaits

it's not something that i'm proud of, well that's what i told you anyways. it's the truth, but it's also so much more complicated than that simple statement. it's not a choice to act this way, it's necessary and painstakingly hard to fulfill. i don't expect you to understand, because i don't expect myself to be able to communicate my feelings and this situation in such a way that would be comprehensible. you'll try hard to understand, and probably be content to make some of your own conclusions and believe those to be the final answer, but you'll be wrong. well, maybe not wrong, but not fully correct. i apologize for this behviour, it's not something i'm proud of, but it's necessary. 

This Was Then

every once in awhile, i'll sit down and write something in a place where nothing is supposed to be written. i'll take a seat in the back booth of a bar, and just write as the girls dance around in tiny outfits and the boys do their best not to make their stares noticeable. this was where i wrote this. it's crazy to think that i felt this way at one point because so much has changed. but i think it's important to understand how you once felt in order to heal your own wounds and help yourself come back together.

this is what i wrote one night in a dark bar...

there are lyrics and quotes and everything in between that i can relate back to when thinking of you, and me, and us. there isn't an us. there should be. i'd be hesitant to say all the time, but definitely sometimes, there should be an us. i've gone through every scenario. why do you rely on me so much? why do you go to me for everything? you're the smartest person i know. i mean that. yet, you do the most confusing things. all the time. you confuse the fuck out of me consistently. for no reason that i can fathom, just leave me alone. it would be much easier that way-- if there was space or distance or something. for all the reasons i love technology i also hate it. i hate how i can't get away, i can't leave the world behind and get you out of my head. i know that's what i need. but you need me. i want you and you need me. why is there such a difference between those two words: need and want... they are the thick, thick wall that divides us. get out of my head. get out of my heart. you're taking up too much space. you've broken everything. my heart and my head have both crumbled. now i have to listen to my head and break my own heart all over again, after you've already broken it. i have to do this for my future and for my sanity. breaking your own heart is so hard. but you made me do this. everything was fine before you, so is this feeling i have worth it? the rush to the head, the drop of the stomach. the feeling you give me. is it all worth it?


it was worth giving up.

The Prophecy

a man once asked me, "have you ever been alone in a crowded room?"

i can now answer, "more often than you know"

Battle Studies

sometimes the hardest fights you're ever going to fight isn't with a monster from under your bed, or the bitchy girl in fifth grade. the hardest fights are going to be with yourself. the hardest fights are going to be against yourself. the constant internal conflict of self vs. self has plagued the human race since time began, i'm sure of it. while things have developed and evolved greatly since that point, the constant struggle of one's own thoughts and feelings have continued to be a burden. the problem is that with other conflicts you have a choice, fight or flee. the two decisions one is always faced with when posed with a problem concerning the outside world, but what happens when you can only fight? how can you flee from the thoughts mixed and tangled in your own mind? you can't. you simply have to fight and fight and then fight some more. it's not easy, but no one said it was. actually, people realize now that it's the exact opposite. fighting something internally bound inside of you is by far the hardest thing you could have to face; and you have to face it because you have no choice. i need control in my life, and i find it in everything i do and everywhere i go. but, what am i supposed to do when the one thing i can't control is myself.

Swing Life Away

i love swing sets. when i was little i realized that this was probably the closest i could get to going on a real roller coaster while being three feet tall. i would swing for hours. my friends and i would go to the park and while they played on the jungle gym, i would just stay on the swing set. trying to get higher and higher. sometimes i would challenge the person next to me to see who could jump the furthest, but that wasn't my main motivation for swinging so high. i loved being able to see above the short tree line surrounding the park. i liked how if i leaned back, i could feel the momentum pushing me further. i felt like if i just kept swinging all my problems would go away.

the other day i found a swing set. i hadn't been on one in forever and i sincerely forgot how much i enjoyed them. the feeling of the air rushing through my hair was still there, that feeling in my stomach came back as soon as i reached a certain height and i still had a sense that i could see everything from such a height.

i realized while i was swinging that the swing was a lot like life, you pushed and pushed to get higher and higher, just like people try so hard to get to a certain point in their life. some people's lives end too soon, like when we would jump off the swing and the seat would keep swinging like someone was supposed to be on it. but most times, you keep going higher  until you can finally see as much as possible, you push yourself and push yourself, but eventually it has to slow down and come back. a continuous circle. its similar to realizing that you know so much about everything at the end of your life. you can see the most on your very last trip, and then the swing starts to slow down.

i want to swing forever.