Think Before You Act

i'm a lot stronger than everyone is assuming. i think everyone's waiting for me to lose my footing, stumble as I  try to walk away with my head held high. everyone's thinking i'll cry on spot, on mention of anything remotely linked to you. but i knew this would happen. i knew this is how it would have to go. we overcame every other obstacle. this one is unbeatable.

i really hope you know what you're doing. 

A Cold October

i'm trying my best to stay distracted. it's easier said than done. i find myself corner in dance clubs and hiding in  bathroom stalls. i just wish you were beside me all the time. there's no one i want beside me but you. i'm happier when you're around. when you're sitting next to me. anything really, i love just you and me being together. because, well fuck, that's what we should be. we should be together. right? we should have met earlier. we should have had more time together. we should have figured this shit out.

or we shouldnt have done anything at all. what would have happened to us if you decided not to message me. if i didn't follow you into your room that night. do you remember that night? you don't. i don't even have to ask you and i know you don't remember it. maybe i'm still putting high expectations on us and over estimating how much you like me. but sometimes, when you wake up in the middle of the night and kiss my forehead then roll over, that's the best feeling in the world. but what if none of this happened and we weren't connected to one another. you didn't think of me and i didn't think of you. i was able to meet someone else. theres all these possibilities of alternate universes where we never happened. however, in the only universe that matters- reality- we are connected. you want me. i want you. that much i know.

but now i'm lost. i'm back to really not knowing what's going on. i don't know who to talk to or how to simply tell people about us about who we are, what we are, what we think. anything. i don't know who you are to me. well i do know you're one of my best friends and that's what i want. i've always said i don't want a boyfriend. i just want someone to take on the world with. i want someone to stand beside me. i don't want a boyfriend. i want a bestfriend. fuck, i just want you back.

just come back.

or i'll just go there.

do we really want to keep going like this? why cant we try being together. i don't know what to do. i don't know what you want. but i'm too scared to ask.

i wish.. fuck i dont even know what i want. well besides you.

The Nights Got Longer

you'll always be my good feeling- no matter your area code

Stagnant Change

I don't cry myself to sleep anymore. I don't think of your face before I fall asleep just to make sure I have a good dream, instead of the nightmare I had to live as you left me. I don't look around thinking I'm going to see you at a party and I know you're not going to call me anymore of my nicknames you gave me. I don't look up flights everyday for last minute deals. I don't wait to hear your voice over the phone and I don't even need to see your face on my computer anymore. But I still want you. I still want you beside me and want to talk to you. I don't need to do anything than live a typical day in order to miss you. I don't need to have you here but fuck, I want you to be.

The Distractions...

Something about the pose/sunset/water/DRESS.

 

 I really wish this above picture will 

eventually turn into this bottom picture, again.... 

A girl can only hope, right?

 But in the meantime, I think this little guy has it right.

And when all else fails,
know that someone will always be happy to see you. 

Once in Venice

one of my favourite memories of you was when we weren't even together. i was gallivanting my way through europe with my best friends and you were waiting patiently in my home country and your adopted one for my return. those few weeks were tough going to all those places without you. i knew what you'd love and find annoying about the whole process so it was like you were there with me. i also knew that you would have made it a thousand times better, well at least for me.

 

but anyways, i remember as i sat in a restaurant in the middle of a Venetian square eating octopus salad, you messaged me about this or that. we talked for a bit then you asked me to call you if i could because you knew how expensive it was. i don't think i had talked to you on the phone more than a handful of times, but i hadn't heard your voice in so long. i had been craving it and while everyone was wondering around after dinner i escaped down a alleyway to call you.

the phone call wasn't very long. we said hi to each other, asked about each others days and i probably rambled about something. and you probably definitely let me. it was so nice to be in this place, most likely where we'll never be together and be with you in a way. we had had better conversations, and we would have more meaningful goodbyes, but that one phone call solidified something. it cemented the idea that i was yours and you were mine and this was the case despite the length of time allotted to us.

Thinking and Wanting

All I do, is think of you. 

I went across an ocean, and thought of you.

I saw Big Ben, the Eiffel Tower and The Red Light District, and thought of you.

I lit a bowl, and thought of you. 

I ate a hamburger, and thought of you. 

I heard a song, and thought of you. 

I heard another song, and thought of you. 

And another. 

I saw a commercial, and thought of you. 

I laid in bed, and thought of you. 

All I ever do is think of you, because all I want is to be with you. 

Our Story

Do you know what you want? Are you happy with how this is going to play out? Because if nothing changes, I know how it will end. It will be hard at first. This feeling I have now will not fade until sometime probably in mid August. I'll realize that I was out laughing and smiling and getting along just fine without thinking that you should be beside me. Then I'll become content towards our relationship. I'll be able to think of you fondly and without feeling a lump welling up in my throat. I'll think about how much fun we had together, how I was able to trust someone and act wild without being judged or stared at weird. You took me the way I was, and let me be me. For that, I thank you. Obviously not very many other people would do this, or put up with it. But, that's how it will pan out if nothing changes. I have always believed this to be the best decision as well, but it's interesting what a little perspective brings you.

I'll be okay if this is our destiny- if this is what we choose to be the best option because it probably is. it is probably the most likely as well. You won't be back here until next September, I'll be moving away and making less than great amounts of money and we won't ever see each other. But I'll miss you, everyday.


I'll miss everything you'd expect me to miss and that is why I refuse to let you go just yet. Because I know how much I'll miss falling asleep looking at your face. I'll miss how you message me in the morning and throughout the day and never let me go even when I know you're busy and would rather be not be messaging me. I'll miss how you appease me and my little girl habits, despite me also making sure I correct you on every piece of sports trivia. I promise to stop doing this if you come back, if we work this out. It's not supposed to work out. I understand, really. But if it did, we'd be characters from a movie. Our story would be a fairytale. It would be the best bedtime story you could never tell, even if you knew it by heart.

Another Time & Place

i drink more water now that you're gone. 

i've never cried so much.

The Countdown Begins

six days