it's not something that i'm proud of, well that's what i told you anyways. it's the truth, but it's also so much more complicated than that simple statement. it's not a choice to act this way, it's necessary and painstakingly hard to fulfill. i don't expect you to understand, because i don't expect myself to be able to communicate my feelings and this situation in such a way that would be comprehensible. you'll try hard to understand, and probably be content to make some of your own conclusions and believe those to be the final answer, but you'll be wrong. well, maybe not wrong, but not fully correct. i apologize for this behviour, it's not something i'm proud of, but it's necessary.
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